I cannot believe how different my life is than it was a year ago...and thank goodness for that. Everything has changed so much to the point that I'm not the same anymore either. Sure, I'm still insecure and shy but I think I'm getting a little better with that.
Today in class (FYE) we turned in our assignment from last time. Our assignment was to write down a personal goal and an academic goal. Mine was to just make it through this one semester and then I decided with B's at least because it had to be measurable and specific. Anyway, in class we got into groups of 4. I was definitely the least experienced in my group. My friend, Russell, is married, then there were two women with kids and such. We were discussing why those are our number one goals right now. I was sure that I was going to sound like an idiot since they all know what they are doing and stuff. It was my turn to explain why that was my number one goal and I explained how I hadn't really attended since 9th grade and so just getting through the semester would help me feel a success I have been missing. Getting through this semester would mean that I am no longer the straggler and loser of my grade, I would actually be ahead. I could feel my lip quivering a little bit because of some very unexpected emotion. I didn't tear up or anything...just felt a little shaky. Now, I thought they would shrug it off and move to the next person but they went on about how impressive it is that I'm there and doing what I am. Russell said, "This isn't just your first semester, this is something much more than that." Since I had referred to wanting to just get through it because it was my first semester. I have often been criticized because of the situations I have been in and for once I feel like people understood and were even proud in a sense. I guess that's the difference between adults and high school kids. I think part of the emotion came from that, that I wasn't a loser for the different path I had to take, I was praised for being where I am now.
Where I am now. Where I am now is a whole new world. A place where I fit and can be myself. A place where I am beginning to accept myself and how I have become myself. It's a wonderful feeling. No doubt, it's hard. This is an adjustment that is difficult and stressful and exhausting but so, so rewarding. Everyday I have a moment of panic and despair (a little ridiculous, I know) but a peace always come when I think about where strength comes from and that is from my faith in Him. Where I am is where He would want me to be, on a path of learning and overcoming. Today, one of the ladies that was in my group told us a quote from J.K. Rowling said something to the effect that failure is an obstacle...I can't remember the wording or quote to give it justice but I loved it when I heard it. I'm going to have to ask her what it was on Thursday and then put it as one of my favorite quotes on here.
Life is not what you expect it to be but it is wonderful isn't it? All the wonder comes from a loving Heavenly Father that knows what we need, when we need it and I feel His hand in my life each and everyday. I don't know what I would do, where I would be, who I would be without Him and His love. It's overwhelming. I am a little, teeny, tiny speck in this world and he knows me more than I know myself and he cares more than I can even imagine and is blessing me with these wonderful, yet difficult experiences so that I have the opportunity to not only live with Him but become like Him. There is no greater love.
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